Between a 3 and a 7

Speaking of scales , a friend sent this to me today and said that I had to watch it because Kristen Bell reminds her so much of me. Voice and tone and personality wise. So just in case you're the tiniest bit curious about "Holly" (aka, me), here's a glimpse.


A guy at work today was telling me about how he doesn't date girls that are less than a 7.5. And he showed me a picture of a girl he was thinking about (he's not sure she is "hot" enough/high up enough on the scale) asking out. She is tall, thin, tan, has long blonde hair and of course wants to be some kind of fashion intern.

This got me thinking about what rating on "the scale" would get. But sadly, this means I have to get compared to a 10 to figure it out, which on his (or most men in general's) scale, is an 18 year old blonde skinny, tiny thing. So then I didn't even want to think about it anymore because it was too depressing. I'm definitely not 18 anymore. Or blonde. I'm not skinny either but I'm working on that one each week on the treadmill. Everyone tells me I have a gorgeous face, and I know I am awesome personality wise (I'm seriously a pretty fun person)...but those two things don't matter much on "the scale". Tack on my not so perfect past and I end up on a totally different scale I'm sure. But you know, its like that blog post on The Single Mormon Girl's Guide to Life. She says:
...right now there is probably a 25 year old returned missionary hitting on an apartment full of freshmen girls as we speak. And he’ll pick out the prettiest one in college just long enough to find a husband so she can quit her elementary education program (as told by my EE friends). They’ll get married and you’ll be free to spot the guys who are looking for girls who went to college to get an education, don’t play helpless when it comes to getting something done, and aren’t perfectly designed as a replacement for their mom’s cooking and cleaning skills

...those [the freshman giggly]types of girls always seem to get snatched right up, the guys those girls are marrying are not ones we would want anyway. And now the dating pool has one less guy that we don’t want, making it easier to spot the good ones.
When I first read that I laughed out loud, because I love it so much. Its SO true. For the most part. I do realize there are exceptions out there. But I mean really...we all know that 25 year old and we all know "those girls", right? So I join Lula in saying "Freshmen, they are all yours, our Thank You card is on its way."

Yes I might have pouted a bit earlier, maybe felt a little sorry for myself. But then I went to institute, was filled with the Spirit and now I don't care about my "rating" or past mistakes or what guys might think about me. Because I know that through the atonement, I'm perfected in Him. And as much as I would like to date a really good, down to earth guy and get married and have cute little babies...I'll be okay if I don't. Because I have an absolutely perfect Father in Heaven who thinks the world of me and loves me. So He'll help me figure it out either way.

Having a brother

There are these two new guys at work that are also in their twenties. And I've stopped counting the comments I get from them, like "Sure I'll go out with your sister but only if she's as pretty as you", "Lets get lunch together", "Better not invite me to your wedding or else I'll stand up against it when they ask", and "I like girls who look like you". And then there are the times they stand closer to me than necessary or sit by me given the opportunity.

These same guys also tell me about all of the girls they are dating. They even bring them to institute classes that we share.

So, being the overcomplicated girl that I am, I thought I was getting mixed signals and it was getting frustrating. Seriously guys, if you think you might like me, ask me out. But then the other girls thing got confusing so I wasn't sure what to think.

In comes my little brother (who I'll call LittleB). And by little I mean he is also in his twenties and he is a weight lifter (big). Anyway, I tell him about these guys and the conversations and my feelings about it and that I don't get why they flirt but don't act on it. Then he says "It doesn't mean anything, they are just practicing." And I'm all "Practicing what? Flirting? Why would they do that, its stupid" So he goes on to tell me that he has done it plenty of times (flirted with girls he has no intention of dating just because its fun and its good practice to keep "the skills"). And of course I replied with "Why are boys so freakin' stupid?" To which he says "I don't know, we just are". I love having a brother.

But, it makes sense. Its like that movie/book "He's Just Not That Into You" where they talk about how if a guy really likes a girl, he isn't going to sit back and wait around for someone else to snatch her up and he certainly isn't going to talk about his other girls and chance scaring off the girl that he really does like. So I get it now. These guys are not into me. And that's okay. Because truly I'm not into them either. Yes, the attention is nice. But so is the "accepting compliments" practice. :)

Who is this girl?

I started this blog because I have a lot on my mind lately. I've thought about actually writing it all down by hand in a journal but (one) I don't really want all of this drama broadcasting itself in the form of a book that will surely be read by my children, grandchildren, random nosy visitors in my home someday and (two) I already keep a journal and my hand hurts enough from the pages and pages I always get carried away writing so here we are.

The beauty of this blog is that I can hopefully keep it anonymous until/if ever I'm ready to share it with people I actually know. And at the same time, still get everything "out there" so that I can stop processing it over and over in my head.

Here are the basics. I am in my mid-twenties. I moved to the big city from a really small farming town right after high school. I wanted freedom. I moved in with cute LDS girls, started school, and immediately started  continued dating. I had every intention of meeting good, strong, returned missionary types who would no doubt help keep me on the straight and narrow. Because that path hadn't exactly come easy to me in years past. For example, I used to ditch early morning seminary (which I SO regret now) to go buy chocolate-mint cappuccinos (I know, so cool right?) and I went to parties on Fridays and Saturday but then showed up to Young Women's on Sunday. Yep, sadly I was that girl. Still, I thought I'd figure everything out and get my act together once I moved out and grew up.

One of the first guys I started dating was just great. Really. One night after taking in a movie, he took me to his old high school. We parked the car, got out, he turned on the radio and opened all of the car doors and we danced in the parking lot. Cute, huh? I should have married him probably. But no, instead I went on a date with a guy who was almost ten years older than me. He had served a mission...check. He was graduating with what I thought at the time was a very promising degree, so...check. He came from an LDS family in Provo...check. He had big dreams...check. My just-turned-18 self thought he was perfect. So I cut it off with other guys and spent the next 2 years very slowly realizing that dream guy wasn't so dreamy. Turns out he didn't exactly go to church, he didn't really like to work, and his dreams were a bit out there. His testimony was mediocre, if even existent, so I followed suit. I stopped going to church, moved in with non-LDS girls, stopped caring about the things that are really important, and I slipped even further away.

Finally, I decided I'd had enough. We broke up and I immediately started dating an old high flame. A Lutheran, anti-LDS one. Smart move, right? I know. Still, I was convinced that someday he would read the Book of Mormon (a book which I hadn't even ever read all the way through) and that someday he would convert (also something I hadn't exactly done). Regardless of all the wrong I was doing, I knew that at some point in the future I wanted a good life. So I just waited. A few months later, another guy fell into my lap. He came in the form of a recently-ish returned missionary with a very strong testimony and a craving for hard work. He was unlike anyone I'd ever known. We shared long talks, he convinced me to go back to church, I fed off of his testimony and a year later we were married. Then as a result of several selfish, immature decisions (on both of our parts)...we decided to get a divorce. Looking back now, I can't believe we threw everything (including one another) away so quickly. If I could go back, I would have been more supportive and made an effort to work through our issues instead of running away. But oh well, as they say, hindsight is 20/20.

So this all brings us to someone I will call "George". He and I started dating after my divorce and its been pretty serious ever since. Until recently, that is, when we decided to call off our engagement following a series of realizations and bad decisions that I won't go into on this blog. As painful and sad and confusing as it has been, it's still probably the best decision either of us has made in a really long time. When George and I started dating, I thought we were a match made in heaven. You see, both of us had dads who were inactive in the church, both of us had a confusing in and out relationship with church ourselves, both of us wanted better for our futures, but both of us also had mediocre testimonies at that point. I know...turns out we weren't such a heavenly match huh? But hindsight, remember? George moved away for a job earlier this month. And the withdrawals have sucked. Try spending almost every minute of your spare time with the same person who has become your very best friend, and then not seeing them at all. It sucks. And at first I cried. Alot. But we decided that we would use the time apart to truly get to know our Heavenly Father, gain testimonies of our own and prepare the absolute, best possible version of ourselves to offer to one another, or other people, when the time comes.

We don't know if we'll ever be together again. We are both just hoping that we'll get to the point (spiritually) where it will either feel right again or it won't. It gets so complicated that I try to not even think about it. So instead I am focusing my time and energy on improving myself. Those efforts include: taking three institute classes, embarking on various volunteer opportunities in the community, reading my scriptures, reading church books, writing in my journal, praying, pondering, watching Mormon Message videos, tackling the Book of Isaiah, learning and practicing new skills, etc. The best part of all of this, is that I feel the Spirit so much. I randomly cry all the time because the happiness and peace are just so overwhelming. Which tells me that I think I'm finally on the right track. Because I've never felt this drive and desire and joy before. In four short weeks I have gone from feeling empty, and dark and lonely, and completely worthless and feeling hopeful and full of love and light and completely deserving of a beautiful life. Occasionally I start to feel down, but now I reach and take His hand, and He pulls me up again. (Isaiah 41:13)