Who is this girl?

I started this blog because I have a lot on my mind lately. I've thought about actually writing it all down by hand in a journal but (one) I don't really want all of this drama broadcasting itself in the form of a book that will surely be read by my children, grandchildren, random nosy visitors in my home someday and (two) I already keep a journal and my hand hurts enough from the pages and pages I always get carried away writing so here we are.

The beauty of this blog is that I can hopefully keep it anonymous until/if ever I'm ready to share it with people I actually know. And at the same time, still get everything "out there" so that I can stop processing it over and over in my head.

Here are the basics. I am in my mid-twenties. I moved to the big city from a really small farming town right after high school. I wanted freedom. I moved in with cute LDS girls, started school, and immediately started  continued dating. I had every intention of meeting good, strong, returned missionary types who would no doubt help keep me on the straight and narrow. Because that path hadn't exactly come easy to me in years past. For example, I used to ditch early morning seminary (which I SO regret now) to go buy chocolate-mint cappuccinos (I know, so cool right?) and I went to parties on Fridays and Saturday but then showed up to Young Women's on Sunday. Yep, sadly I was that girl. Still, I thought I'd figure everything out and get my act together once I moved out and grew up.

One of the first guys I started dating was just great. Really. One night after taking in a movie, he took me to his old high school. We parked the car, got out, he turned on the radio and opened all of the car doors and we danced in the parking lot. Cute, huh? I should have married him probably. But no, instead I went on a date with a guy who was almost ten years older than me. He had served a mission...check. He was graduating with what I thought at the time was a very promising degree, so...check. He came from an LDS family in Provo...check. He had big dreams...check. My just-turned-18 self thought he was perfect. So I cut it off with other guys and spent the next 2 years very slowly realizing that dream guy wasn't so dreamy. Turns out he didn't exactly go to church, he didn't really like to work, and his dreams were a bit out there. His testimony was mediocre, if even existent, so I followed suit. I stopped going to church, moved in with non-LDS girls, stopped caring about the things that are really important, and I slipped even further away.

Finally, I decided I'd had enough. We broke up and I immediately started dating an old high flame. A Lutheran, anti-LDS one. Smart move, right? I know. Still, I was convinced that someday he would read the Book of Mormon (a book which I hadn't even ever read all the way through) and that someday he would convert (also something I hadn't exactly done). Regardless of all the wrong I was doing, I knew that at some point in the future I wanted a good life. So I just waited. A few months later, another guy fell into my lap. He came in the form of a recently-ish returned missionary with a very strong testimony and a craving for hard work. He was unlike anyone I'd ever known. We shared long talks, he convinced me to go back to church, I fed off of his testimony and a year later we were married. Then as a result of several selfish, immature decisions (on both of our parts)...we decided to get a divorce. Looking back now, I can't believe we threw everything (including one another) away so quickly. If I could go back, I would have been more supportive and made an effort to work through our issues instead of running away. But oh well, as they say, hindsight is 20/20.

So this all brings us to someone I will call "George". He and I started dating after my divorce and its been pretty serious ever since. Until recently, that is, when we decided to call off our engagement following a series of realizations and bad decisions that I won't go into on this blog. As painful and sad and confusing as it has been, it's still probably the best decision either of us has made in a really long time. When George and I started dating, I thought we were a match made in heaven. You see, both of us had dads who were inactive in the church, both of us had a confusing in and out relationship with church ourselves, both of us wanted better for our futures, but both of us also had mediocre testimonies at that point. I know...turns out we weren't such a heavenly match huh? But hindsight, remember? George moved away for a job earlier this month. And the withdrawals have sucked. Try spending almost every minute of your spare time with the same person who has become your very best friend, and then not seeing them at all. It sucks. And at first I cried. Alot. But we decided that we would use the time apart to truly get to know our Heavenly Father, gain testimonies of our own and prepare the absolute, best possible version of ourselves to offer to one another, or other people, when the time comes.

We don't know if we'll ever be together again. We are both just hoping that we'll get to the point (spiritually) where it will either feel right again or it won't. It gets so complicated that I try to not even think about it. So instead I am focusing my time and energy on improving myself. Those efforts include: taking three institute classes, embarking on various volunteer opportunities in the community, reading my scriptures, reading church books, writing in my journal, praying, pondering, watching Mormon Message videos, tackling the Book of Isaiah, learning and practicing new skills, etc. The best part of all of this, is that I feel the Spirit so much. I randomly cry all the time because the happiness and peace are just so overwhelming. Which tells me that I think I'm finally on the right track. Because I've never felt this drive and desire and joy before. In four short weeks I have gone from feeling empty, and dark and lonely, and completely worthless and undeserving...to feeling hopeful and full of love and light and completely deserving of a beautiful life. Occasionally I start to feel down, but now I reach and take His hand, and He pulls me up again. (Isaiah 41:13)